My LittleBlackBook

If only...

2008-05-14T17:59:00.001+07:00

Subject: Fw: Please pass on to women for Safety & Security

Please forward to as many women as possible
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU..... IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOUR MOTHER ... OR TO YOUR SISTER

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two
men came and sat down at my table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone. I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested in them.

Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole
thing was captured on the Cafe's camera. I'm sending you this picture as a warning.............. just in case they try and pick you up too.

Honestly, some men think they are God's gift.

Oh-er

2008-04-10T14:31:00.002+07:00

I have shamefully been neglecting my blog.

But to be honest, nothing all that interesting has happened! Apart from our Unit 2 Drama production of "Teechers" AKA 40% of my A-Level grade. Eek. I dont have any photos yet though =[ It went well and that is all.

Basically, nothing funny has happened, nothing cool, nothing life-changing or out of the ordinary. NADA. ZILCH. C'EST NON.
Apart from mock exams, which lets admit are not what can be described as 'fun'. 3 hours of non-stop writing in history? I got a B though, i must admit is quite an achievement. BUT, my hand died after that exam. It was stuck like it was holding a pen! Literally. I put a pen between my fingers, and it STAYED there. Took quite a while to retain mobility. And that is the most interesting thing that has happened lately.

BUT Pri and me have worked out 16 more art lessons!And then its OVER!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO.
Party in the common room that first Tuesday back...after our real exam time finishes we have 5 weeks of school, so me and Pri are dropping art for those 5 weeks, meaning...we have 4 extra frees cos no one else is allowed to drop until September! SCORE.

Moments over.

Anyway...there is nothing else to be said. Apart from a funny email Ben sent me.

Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for
the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily
Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

and these were just too funny, so im posting them all.

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know
any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that
last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The
bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so
I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause .) 'Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please
hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags
into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the
door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message
to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put
the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed
on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Switchfoot

2008-02-05T23:08:00.000+07:00

So i kinda a little bit saw switchfoot live.
and they rocked my socks off

literally. when i got home my converse were still on my my socks had somehow managed to wiggle their way to my toes. YA. THATS how much Switchfoot rocked.

I have decided ART SUCKS. i love art to death, just not in school and exam conditions. i detest having to create a piece of art just to get a grade. anything can be art right, and if im happy with it....it shouldnt matter. but NO. the drawing has to be perfect for bloody Cambridge. argh. its good and all...but not cool when you have 8essays to do over the space of a week. (ok...it is holidays but STILL)

im tired. as in physically tired. yet i cant sleep. its INSANELY DUMB. its so dumb infact that is annoys me so much, which stops me sleeping. im telling you, its one vicious cycle im in. in fact, im going to try and sleep now. but first i shall leave you with some photos from the fabulous switchfoot concert.

i would add more. but im tired.
oh..and the bassist (Tim Foreman) is sexy.

Amusement.

2008-01-27T17:16:00.001+07:00

I havent 'blogged' in quite some time...
stupid god damned school work

Nothing all that interesting has happened lately though...which is pretty sucky. although, there have been some pretty radical days lately. and i cant be bothered to write them up...and i dont have time. i am too busy facebooking =p

ive found some pretty cool picture things though, yes i am very sad. but facebook bumperstickers are cool ok!

They amuse me.

MCR

2008-01-03T21:19:00.000+07:00

Ok its kinda late..but HEY. MCR ROCKED MY FRIGGIN SOCKS OFF.

FESTIVITY

2007-12-07T22:24:00.000+07:00

it just occured to me its...18 days til CHRISTMAS! WOOP
so i thought i should change the colours of my blog...no it looks all festive! YAY!!!!

i cannot wait till xmas!!!

Shanghai.

2007-12-07T22:16:00.000+07:00

My parents are in shanhai!
thats what i couldnt remember. My god i suck.
So basically, ive had freedom all week. except ive been staying at the rust residence which has been pretty fun lol
And i decided to go home today. And its a friday night. parents are not here. you may ask why am i not having a party? or why am i not out having fun?
well....im tired. and dont feel well..and just wasnt in the mood to go out tonight AND tmr. and THEN on sunday night too. (MCR CONCERT WOO) so....ive stayde in, alone, on a friday night. and just relaxed...and yayyyy. i feel so unstresseddddd!!

i cannot wait till sunday. it is going to ROCKKKKKK MCR MCRM CMRCMRCMRMCRMCR!!!! (mcr..) they just..WOOOO

i am too excited for words....

and im writing christmas cards so if you love me and are reading this....i like christmas cards. =]

Ow

2007-12-05T09:16:00.000+07:00

OH EM GEE.
I have managed to tear the ligament in my left hand.
How you may ask?
Drama rehearsals. Yes.
How retarded is that?
The answer is very.

So we were doing some balancing thing. With rope tied in a knot. And JOE "Reclusive Indo" Lewis, to prove a point apparently, decided to tell me to put all my weight on the end of the rope. So i did. The knot came undone and needless to say i fell backwards and landed on my wrist to 'break' my fall.
The same hand i have managed to break tendents in before....and have fucked up the nerve in so now my hand goes numb every so often. What a homosexual thing to do. So basically my hand, having been battered and bruised LOTS said "OI. ENOUGH." and now my ligament is torn.

This is taking me forever to type with one hand also.

Ok so i landed on it on monday LAST week. went to the doctors on the following monday (3rd) and she said "torn ligament". OH NOES. Got pain killers etc for 10 days and i cant use my hand for at least 10 days too. IS PROBLEMATIC I TELL YOU.

In other news. Today is swimming gala. WooHoo. Im not swimming due to my hand and my decision of 'im not swimming this year im lazy'.
Also, finishing off the blog from last time would take too long so basically
It was fun.

it consisted of
Thursday night gathering for the enjoyable occasion of Tom, Jie Yings and Kats birthdays.
Friday night = nothing. = boring.
Saturday afternoon/night = party for toms birthday. pool and momentus fun was appreciated.

Nothing else to report sadly.
Why am i talking retardedly??
oh well. I feel as though im forgetting something...i hate that. ever done that? you have this sense of forboding terror as though you are forgetting something HUGE. and it makes you feel really....FEARFUL. especially when you cannot for the love of god think about what it is you have forgotten. like when traveling, you forget your toothbrush...but just cant think of what youve forgotten until OH NOES you arrive at your destination, say Melbourne, and find you have no toothbrush! annoying.

argh. ill think of it later.

The Past

2007-11-25T15:58:00.000+07:00

few days have rocked. seriously.

Thursday night was fan-bloody-tastic.
The year (most of us) got together to celebrate Toms, Jie Yings and Kats Birthday.

more to come soon.=]

htyi34h6i3lj6po4587

2007-11-21T20:09:00.000+07:00

Family dinner is meant to be a happy time right?
not fucking tense and awkward.
its always like that and quite frankly id rather not EAT.
except i like food.
so id rather be ANYWHERE else but at the fucking dinner table with THEM.

Just get it over with will you?

I cannot wait to leave.

Birthday Boy

2007-11-21T18:25:00.000+07:00

LOL.
I couldnt think of another name.

So basically.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOM LOR

Wow. So today was funny.
Me and Iain managed to get WOUTER DE JEW REGT to put DEEP HEAT on his EYES. In his defence he didn't know what it was...but then he is pretty darn RETARDO for actually doing so when we said 'we dare you to put this cream on your eyes'
I mean, come one. wtf? Quite frankly you shouldnt listen to 2 mischieveous white people with cream. LOL.
It was LOLTASTIC to watch i tell you. He said ok if you give me 5bucks each. so we said OK (cos lets face it..the reaction was worth it) if only we'd got it on video..DAMN IT.

Iain put some cream on Woutie's finger and then Woutie put it on his eyes. (the lid lor) and then he died. He was like 'OH YAR THIS IS OK. WAIT. OW. IT STINGS! WHAT IS THIS SHIT!? OW!!! IT STINGSSSSSS' then ran away crying to th bathroom (not actually crying.) it was LOLERIFIC.

But mean. but i was crying with laughter practically.

What else? Um. Tmr is thursday. Which is good cos we are all going to hartamas in order to celebrate with great delight that Tom, Jie Ying and Kat are all getting older. They have reached the age of 17. WOOP. Happy Birthday to you alllll =]

I have nothing left to say, but i will leave you with this one thought.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? =o!

Gar.

2007-11-20T16:17:00.002+07:00

today was shite.
ish.

drama is going gooood. we perform next week EEK
eng is going ok laa
art is..just sad.

and boys SUCK. like alot.
seriously.
and i bet they think girls suck too so its ok.
but they really do suck. boys that is.
they cause problems.

WITHOUT EVEN TRYING
Gosh. How rude.

Conspiracy!

2007-11-19T17:07:00.000+07:00

Is it?
This was an advert at the bottom of an msn convo. It made me lol for some reason.
'Emo salsa dancer'? WTF is this? How jooish.

Speaking of Jews a conspiracy has been undercovered. Are there such things as GINGER DUTCH PEOPLE?

Gingers = AWESOME
DUTCH PEOPLE (Wouter) = Nubs = Jews.
Jew = Kit Jimeny-Koay Perry
Kit Jimeny-Koay Perry = Ginger child = Ginger in denial now.
Kit Jimeny-Koay Perry = GINGER DUTCH.

So today was a funny day.
At lunch time, with 10minutes to go before the bell, the gingers (tom and myself) decided it was time to go over the road and get stuff. stuff being, stepsils and a top up.

The mini mart was CLOSED.

WTF right? When is it ever closed?? Its the end of the world as we know it. SHOCK HORROR ZOMG Ok so anyway. In the end i got a rasberry esprit. Yummy. We walked back to school and were back in time to prove Skinner wrong. He said we couldnt get back in time for lessons. He was WRONG.

Okay. So on the way back tom was telling me about his car. and how the air con does not work. the conversation went something like this.

E=Me
T=Tom

T: The aircon does not work in the back though...
E: I SHOTGUN FRONT SEAT EVERYTIME THEN.
T: But what if someone more important is in my car?
E: I shotgunned it. Not my problem.
T: But what if the POPE is in my car?
E: He can lay in the back.
T: But he wont fit cos of his pope hat.
E: Well, we can put the seat down and half lay in the boot.
T: But his pope hat. HEY Does the pope take off his hat before he gets in a car?
E: OF COURSE HE DOES.
T: Does he have a special car?
E: No. He just takes it off.
T: A HELICOPTER!
E: YES!!!!!!
T: But his hat would get chopped off..
E: NOOOO. Hes not that tall!
T: He must fly. POPE ARILINES
E: Gar. Nein. We will settle this matter. SKINNER. Does the pope take his hat off when he gets in a car?
S: No. He doesn’t drive…he walks..
T: NO HE FLIES.
S: Its not like its glued to his head…

The conversation proceeded and somewhere along the line it was said that the hat is used to hide the gnomes inside. The gnome is the REAL pope guys. I am afraid to say it.
His hat is big. His hat is white. The top has just been chopped off.
What does this tell us you ask?
That the Pope was the original member of the KKK!
SHOCK HORROR ZOMG
This would explain why the pope has never been black.
SHOCK HORROR ZOMG

POPE.POPE.

Also, the big questions about the pope are…
Does he take the hat off when watching porn?
Is he really, actually religious?
Does he own a car? Does he have a driving licence?
Is he ginger?
Is he really who he says he is? Or is he Dutch?
Is he Wouter in disguise?
Is he really catholic?
WHY does he wear that hat?
Why is he called ‘the pope’?
What happens when he run out of batteries? Does the gnome take over?
Does he iron his hat?
Does his hat double as a homing device?
Is his hat magical?
Is he ELVIS??

Its all one big conspiracy. Will we ever learn the truth?

also play: http://www.addictinggames.com/beavisbuttheadsairguitar.html
it is EXTREME LOLAGE

Still Ill

2007-11-16T14:23:00.000+07:00

I hate being ill. Its the WORST.
Been off school since wednesday and yeaaa...i mean its all good and everything i SUPPOSE but im bored out of my BRAINZZZZ. GRR. and i sound rather husky, and NOT in a sexy way.

=[ and to make matters just that tiny bit worse, tonight is Niki's birthday party and i cant go cos im ILL. LAME. And ill be home alone cos mum and dad are going out. Yes, i did consider going to the party and being back before them but that wouldnt work very well. and YAH. plus i feel like complete shit so yea. and i might give all the party goers a disease or something. lol

see i can still laugh. even if it is twisted humour.

so what else is there to be sayingz? ah yes. Well i was supremely cheered up yesterday when GEORGI called me at 10pm and i was just about to sleep but HEY it was good to talk to her. and yea...

also, the invention of JUST THREE WORDS on FACEBOOK has made my life a bit more laughter-filled and fun. Sad isnt it? Yes i hear you cry. Ok so moving on. JUST THREE WORDS is basically what it says...a person (such as yours truly) starts a story off and then your friends add three words at a time...this is one of my stories..

"The spaceship landed in my bathroom whilst i was busy using my magic wand to undress saucy fellows who didn't have aliens in their bathrooms whilst they ate their breakfast. They're lucky buggers. The spaceship had really funny little weiners hanging off their very large pistols which were loaded and at-the-ready to probe me between the legs. "I wonder if i wiped my dribbly chin clean?" becuse i had spilt lots of jasmin tea down onto my large belt buckle, which shaped like a star, was now reaching my huge, thick, erect, magical wand of ejaculation.

Luckily, the wind caught fire and swept into action it then grabbed him by the short and curly ribbons in his china doll collection which broke into many mad Russian"

and another of my favourites

"My Crystal Pink guava juice sparkled with maliciousness and stabbed him with his extremely large hot, sticky, tasty big, throbbing... lollypop. It tasted sooooo So delicious it just had to be eaten by the giant moose"

I added the 'big, throbbing....lollypop' because im just funny. =D

"I found a banana in my chocolate cream flavoured chicken nuggets, i was worried that mcdonalds might sue because i had not spotted it. I decided to use a spoon and anal probe to undress the sexy lama that was dressed as Mrs Nicola Randy with a pickle flavoured hang-on dangling inbetween a horrific eggplant and an orange peel cake. "DON'T PROBE ME! I screamed erotically. "I'm far too sensitive for the crazy P.E teacher who talked like a probe doctor. For he benefits from the probing greatly due to his homosexual nature. Ah, what joys you can get from probing..." I really really like your spectacular technique"

and the list goes on. needless to say..it is quite a fun waste of time =]
TRY IT.

Ah...my throat hurts. and im starting to get another headache so i shall leave you.
toodely do

You've seen the best of me

2007-10-15T16:53:00.000+07:00

Fattened up
Shored up
Shoved out

no way to reach out
beyond the reaching out I've already done

you will always have a piece of me
because you held my life in your hands

those brutal hands

this will end me

I thought it was silent
till it went silent

how have you inspired this pain?

I've never understood
what it is I'm not supposed to feel
like a bird on the wing of a swollen sky
my mind is torn by lightning
as it flies from the thunder behind

Hatch opens
Stark light
and Nothing
Nothing
see Nothing

What am I like?
the child of negation

out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission
every step of the way I've fallen

I hope you never understand
Because I like you

I like you
I like you

still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
I shall freeze in hell

I don’t know where to look anymore

Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope

Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse

the only thing that is permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark that is more permanent than myself

the capture
the rapture
the rupture
of a soul

you're breaking me

watch me vanish

It is myself who I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind.

please open the curtains

It’s just
fucking
over

abstraction to the point of

unpleasant
unacceptable
uninspiring
impenetrable

irrelevant
irreverent
irreligious
unrepentant

dislike
dislocate
disembody
deconstruct

irrespective

irrational
irreducible
irredeemable
unrecognisable

derailed
deranged
deform
free form

obscure to the point of

True Right Correct
Anyone or anybody
Each every all

drowning in a sea of logic
this monstrous state of palsy

still ill

the televion talks
full of eyes
the spirits of sight

and now I am so afraid

I'm seeing things
I'm hearing things
I don't know who I am

How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?
How do I stop?

Every act is a symbol

cease this war

and it shall come to pass
All this shall come to pass

Remember the light and believe the light.

Here I am
and there is my body

dancing on glass

to achieve goals and ambitions
to overcome obstacles and attain a high standard
to increase self-regard by the successful excercise of talent
to overcome opposition
to have control and influence over others
to defend myself
to defend my psychological space
to vindicate the ego
to recieve attention
to be seen and herd
to excite, amaze, fascinate, shock, intrigue, amuse, entertain or entice others
to be free from social restrictions
to resist coercion and constriction
to be independant and act according to desire
to defy convention
to avoid pain
to avoid shame
to obliterate past humiliation by resumed action
to maintain self-respect
to repress fear
to overcome weakness
to elong
to be accepted
to draw close and enjoyably reciprocate with another
to converse in a friendly manner, to tell stories, exchange sentiments, ideas, secrets
to communicate, to converse
to laugh and make jokes
to win affection of desired Other
to adhere and remain loyal to Other
to feed, help, protect, comfort, console, support, nurse or heal
to be fed, helped, protected, comforted, consoled, supported, nursed or healed
to form mutually enjoyable, enduring, cooperating and reciprocating relationship with Other, with an equal
to be forgiven
to be loved
to be free.

You've seen the worst of me

(---The words of Sarah Kane. They all mean something to me.)

and it shall come to pass
All this shall come to pass

You've seen the best of me.

I want someone to

2007-09-30T15:00:00.000+07:00

I want someone to call me up just to say hello.
I want someone to talk to me about everything and anything.
I want someone to not judge me when I’m wrong.
I want someone to tell me I’m wrong.
I want someone to catch me.
I want someone to make me feel safe.
I want someone to hold me and keep me close.
I want someone to understand.
I want someone to not understand.
I want someone to know when to shut up.
I want someone to make me laugh.
I want someone to find the song.
I want someone to tell the fucking truth.
I want someone to be proud of me.
I want someone to calm me down when no one else can.
I want someone to run after me when I walk away.
I want someone to hold my hand when I feel lost.
I want someone to hug me when I least expect it.
I want someone to wait for me when no one else would.
I want someone to walk away when I piss them off.
I want someone to run through the rain to get me when the car won’t start.
I want someone to be sorry.
I want someone to love me.
I want someone to respect me.
I want someone to trust me.
I want someone to make me cry.
I want someone to say no.
I want someone to believe me.
I want someone to pour my heart out to without interruption.
I want someone to paint me a picture.
I want someone to pick the movie.
I want someone to always be there.
I want someone to be able to lay there on the bed and talk and nothing else.
I want someone to fix it all.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet.
I want someone to care.
I want someone to share with.
I want someone to make fun of.
I want someone to make fun of me.
I want someone to turn up at my front door out of the blue.
I want someone to tell me I look beautiful.
I want someone to let me be me.
I want someone to introduce me to new things.
I want someone to make stupid things up with that no one else understands.
I want someone to be around.
I want someone to not hate me when I choose to spend time with my friends instead.
I want someone to support me when I’m weak.
I want someone to cry when he needs to.
I want someone to admit that he is wrong.
I want someone to admit that he likes me.
I want someone to admit that he is not brave.
I want someone to admit that he likes that chick flick movie.
I want someone to admit that maybe he doesn’t always need to hide.
I want someone to need me like I need them.
I want someone to need me.

Why are you still so afraid?

2007-09-12T15:34:00.000+07:00

I do this all the time.
Well. Not all the time.
It just seems like it.
I like him, but im too god damned scared to do anything about it.
Too scared to tell him even though we can talk for hours on end.
I think he likes me too...but nothing seems to happen.
I can flirt when i dont want to, but i cant when i DO.
He must think hes wasting time if he does like me.
And if he doesnt he must think im some retardo.
God what is wrong with me.
Im scared to tell him incase he rejects me.
Im scared to tell him incase he likes me.
Im so weird.
Or is this normal?
Don't answer.
He confuses me so bloody much.
ARGH
I LIKE HIM TOO MUCH
I am so CONFUSED!!!!
We talk alot but i dont know if its just mates or more than!
We have a definate history...but is that just what it is????????????

I AM SO CONFUSED.

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why
Are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight)
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're so ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you're right(you're right)

You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize...
Vienna waits for you.

And you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want
Or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

Why don't you realize...Vienna waits for you
When will you realize...Vienna waits for you

I Want To Hear What You Have Got To Say

2007-09-09T17:37:00.000+07:00

Another day is here and I am still alive
I say these words aloud, they speak form the inside
And everytime I see you
You just walk away
Still the world is turning

I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to say

My mind is all made up, I'm doing all I can
I'm trying hard to think, but I can't understand
Why everytime I see you
You just walk away
And still the world is turning
I will not complain

My head is spinning round, I don't know what to do
If I'm so happy, I've got everything to lose
And everytime I see you
I can't stand to stay
And now it's always raining
You're the one to blame

Everytime I see you
You just walk away
Still the world is turning

I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to say
I want to hear what you, what you've got to...
Say hey hey hey

Sixth Form

2007-09-05T17:17:00.000+07:00

Well school started today. AH. I am now officially a SIXTH FORMER.
Walau.

Its hard too.
So i had a free period first thing today (well...we missed first period so technically second thing) so i only had 2 lessons lol woo!

I dont know what else to say...and i cant be bothered to think.

Time

2007-09-04T17:07:00.001+07:00

I love this song right now.

Time- Sandi Thom

Roller skates and bumblebees
Holding hands and grazing knees
Dressing up and falling down
Paul and mike are coming round

Being good to stay up late
Forget to shut the garden gate
Built a house up in a tree
Been making plans since I was three

Time catches everyone
And the world goes round the sun
And the memory lives on in my heart
Going back to the start

Skiving french and stealing mars
Hanging out in rosie's bar
Getting changed straight after school
Smoking fags and playing pool

Rainbow coming over me
But I like graham connelly
Getting caught in someone's car
This time kid you've gone too far

Time catches everyone
And the world goes round the sun
But the memory lives on in my heart
Going back to the start
Forever forever forever

Up and down to liverpool
Learning lines to play the fool
Hanging out at hannah's bar
Got too drunk to drive the car

Even though I'd love to stay
It's time to work not to time to play
And even though you're now for me
Soon you'll be a memory

Time catches everyone
And the world goes round the sun
And the memory lives on in my heart
Time catches everyone
And the world goes round the sun
And the memory lives on in my heart
Going back to the start
Forever forever forever

Woo

2007-08-08T13:40:00.000+07:00

NEW LAYOUT!!

I like it. Plus the girl has ginger hair...like me =]

Ok yesterday SUCKED. Well...it was all ok until i got home after having met Emily. Then my mum was...

well whatever. I really dont care anymore.

She says MY attitude stinks. WHAT ABOUT HERS!? And my dad actually agrees with that!

I want to leave.

Thanks for the Memories

2007-08-06T11:45:00.000+07:00

Ever had a friend leave? And before they left they slowly, or quickly - however you look at it, replaced you with other people? And then they leave...you don't cry much though but you want to. And you speak to them a couple of times..you comment them on myspace, but they dont reply. The only time ou talk to them is online, and something you notice about that is that they only talk to you when its just you online? And you notice that everyone around you is getting replies...

yea. Well. Thats just happened to me. And to be brutally honest...i couldnt care less.

Ok maybe i do a little bit. But mostly, its just sort of...i dono...not typical...but just 'yea ok'. get it?

Im more pissed off than anything.

I've realised the person i am going to miss the most is CHELSEA LOUISE COOPER purely because...shes Chelsea. She is the best

So, I just want to say, if you're reading this. Thanks for the memories, they were great. And maybe, one day we will meet again. Just do me a favour, dont pretend you didnt forget.

Whatever.

Not sure.

2007-08-03T13:38:00.000+07:00

I need some chill out music. But I don't know what sort...if you get me. YesterdayI couldnt not sleep...something was just..wrong. I don't know though.

Everyone seems to have dissapeared off the face of the planet...seriously

Georgi and Aiden have gone for good.
Jen and Tom have gone to England and I won't see them till school starts.
John has gone to flippin Thailand.
Caroline is in Scotland.
Louise...well WHERE is Louise?!
Kat...Kats still here...but I have no money.
Pri...is working and I have no money. Must see her soon though.
Val...well I've seen her this week already..and NOW I have no money...lol
Chelsea...WAS in Thailand...and is now back...but has spanish lessons...=[ but i must see her soon.
Khaled is in Egypt.
Who else? They are my closest mates.
Oh yea...Amie and Adam are in ENGLAND. But I get to see them soon...YAY.

But it just seems as though everyone has fallen off the planet...Gosh. I have no money. But its only cos I'm saving it for England. Which is good. But I now have 2 weeks of not being able to AFFORD to go out. Probably a good thing...as I don't need any more shisha etc. I'm going on a SERIOUS shisha strike. Like I'm not having ANY when I go hartamas.

I'm serious. Kat, Tom, EVERYONE, if you're reading this, DO NOT LAUGH AT ME lol.

Oh well. I can relax at home. And find some sort of chill out music...since I need it. Chill out kinda like...sad songs la..lol. Rufus Wainwright- Hallelujah and Elton John- Candle in the Wind. They were what I listened to yesterday. As well as a bit more up beat songs like Piano Man- Billy Joel.

I know what you're all thinking. 'What kind of 16 year old listens to Elton John and Billy Joel?!' Lol. Well...I don't. But some of their stuff is damn good...and beats some of the crap that's coming out in the music industry nowadays. lol.

Ah....so I emailed the modeling place SY-Allure...and they told me to book an appointment for casting! WOO. So..lets see what happens?

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I’ve been here before[?]
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time
You let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving to
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a god above[?]
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And it's not a cry you can hear at night,
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Oh la la

2007-07-30T17:43:00.001+07:00

Jenny and Me =]
We had fun.
There are more photos but i cant be bothered to put them up =]

random stuff about me.

2007-07-24T21:07:00.000+07:00

These are the weird things about me.

In my wardrobe the hangers have to hang a certain way. The front of the shirt has to be pointing away from the left hand side of the wardrobe. and the hanger has to be pointing to the inside of the wardrobe. so when you look at the hanger with the shirt on it. its the front of the shirt, with the hangy bit pointing to the right. it just annoys me otherwise.

And things on the shelves have to be pointing the right way too. and if the poster has one corner coming off the wall i HAVE to sort it out. other wise i wont be able to sleep.

when i study i MUST have a clean table. things cant be on the table.

on my sink...the things on the sink HAVE to be put in the same place everytime. and when my mum cleans my bathroom she moves them. so i spend 10minutes putting thm the right way. i get so angry i yell about it. its just ANNOYING.

also. the shower curtain has to be pulled back a certain way. and the shower head thing has to be at a certain height and pointing in a certain direction.

the bath matt has to be straight against the wall.

the wardrobe door has to be closed or i cannot sleep.

i have a certain way oh eating lasange. its on my plate right in a rectangle. i have to cut it down, then across to make separate squares. then i eat each square AFTER its all cut up. and i go round the recatngle eatingt the edges first, then the middle.

i like apples, but i hate apple juice, i hate oranges (the texture freaks me out) but love orange juice (only if it doesnt have bits in it.) the texture. it freaks me out. i just hate the feel of it in my mouth. i hate things that have a weird texture.

like berries. i hate berries. love the taste of them. but hate the feel so i hate eating them.

and YOGURT! what is the DEAL! it should be SMOOTH!! not full of lumps of fruit. unless you PUT them their yourself!

i HATE fruit cakes. i hATE HATE HATE HATE IT. its the WORST. ITS JUST GROSS. and BLERGH. christmas cake it basically one big glorified fruit cake. you add alcohol to it basically and its just EW EW EW. ts too rich and gross.

back to yogurt. it should be smooth and lump free.

Things can be messy, but not dirty. And they have to be messy in a certain way.

In a shop if something is meant to be in one place, but is not in the right place, i have to move it. but only when its close to that place..not like say...an aisel away lol.

If i start thinking of something, like for instance 'that guy looks like this guy' but i cant think of who that guy is...it will bugg me untill i figure out who his lookalike is. For instance...on tv yesterday there was an advert.The guy looked slighty like Ricky Martin. But i couldnt remember Ricky Martins name. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to think of it. It pissed me off so much i had to look online.

There are more. I just cant think of them.

2007-07-24T17:49:00.000+07:00

Jen&Me went one utama. We tried on loads of crap. Sexy tops =]

Highlight of my week. apart from seeing Georgi and Aiden on thursday...but then they had to leave =[ sucks...but it happens. and i should see them again in the summer!!

So jen and me had lots of fun. Heres the pictures!

I cant upload them. it wont work.

The Truth

2007-07-17T21:25:00.000+07:00

I've realised its time to tell the truth about everything. And my own words don't express it...so im going to use the help of many artists....i cant help feeling like this. And know, that no matter what I do love you all. A lot.

I'm going to write a line from a song that at some point has meant, or still means, something to me. Then i will explain why. Simple as that.

"Take me back to the start." - because sometimes i wish i could just go back to the beginning and change it all. the start was when Raf died, i think. I'm not honestly sure. But i guess its just a mixture of everything. and thats the only moment i can pin-point as hitting me so hard i fell over and didnt stop falling completely.

"Nobody said it was easy. But nobody said it would be this hard." - Its true. Nobody said it was going to be easy living, but nobody ever said it would be hard. I guess life is always going to be a mixture of easy and hard and theres nothing you can do to stop that. But sometimes i just wish it could be easier. Because it always seems to be hard.

"I'll keep on rolling down this road."- I never realised that I wasn't exactly happy. Hence why I kept 'rolling down the road'. enough said.

"I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow." – One day I would be happy. The next I wouldn’t. And that still happens. Except it can now sometimes be like...ill wake up feeling rubbish…and 2 hours later im laughing. Maybe its just mood swings, but this happens even when im not PMS…

“That’s not how I used to be.” – In the last few years life has changed as we have grown older, and its nothing like it used to be.

“Everythings changing when I turn around, all out of my control. I’m a mobile.” – Everything does seem to change, its like one minute it’s a certain way, the next its completely different, and I hate not being able to control that.

“Its always been up to you. Its turning around its up to me. I’m gonna do what I have to do…I just don’t” - I used to think it was up to everyone else to make me happy and change. But now I know its up to me…and I know what I have to do. I just don’t…because I can’t.

“Maybe I should be the one behind the wheel.”- I often think I need to stop doing what im doing, that I should be the one in control. But it’s always, in my head, the ‘maybe’ factor. Like I know I should be in control, but I just can’t quite reach the wheel.

“I’m not ready. Maybe tomorrow.” – Simple as that. I’m not ready to change, but I am, so maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Or it can be…I can’t be bothered to day…maybe tomorrow. Or sometimes its just as simple as I can’t be bothered to do ANYTHING.

“I want to believe you when you tell me that it’ll be ok.” – People always say it will be ok. But I just can’t believe it properly.

“Stuck inside a broken life I can’t wish away.” – I used to think if I just forgot about how rubbish I felt It would just go away. At night I would wish that tomorrow I would wake up not thinking I was disgusting and horrible and be able to look in the mirror and see me, rather than a version of me I seemed to have invented. But that doesn’t work.

“Somebody listen please.” – I often feel like no one understands or listens. Even though I KNOW that’s not true, I still sometimes feel like that and I cannot explain why.

“Always second best.” – Sometimes it would just be nice to be the best at something.

“There’s so much more to me you haven’t seen.” – A lot of people KNOW me, but not all of them know ALL of me. I don’t know all of me. And there’s a lot of me still hiding.

“It’s not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.” – Once you start feeling a certain way it’s not hard to come crashing down. And drinking etc does not help, your floating like a cannonball almost, in a vulnerable situation that you have to fall down from, and you fall fast because so much is weighing you down.

““Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn’t take one more step.” – You know when you can tell something bad is going to happen, and you wish you could stay out of it…but know you shouldn’t and can’t? Yea…life is like that sometimes. I can tell when a day is going to be rubbish for me and I can’t take another step into that day…but I force myself to.

““Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping. Hello, I’m still here, all that’s left of yesterday.” – The old me is still here, a bit of every old me is still here too. I’m not sleeping, and I know I’m still there I just sometimes need a boost, and a reason to ‘unleash’ (lol) me…whatever. You know what I mean…I hope…

““It’s sad to hope.” – Hoping won’t do anything. I tried praying and there’s now a definite reason I don’t believe because it didn’t work. Sounds harsh but that’s me. Hoping won’t do anything, you have to DO something.

““Here’s the day you hoped would never come.” – You see the signs…yet you ignore it and hope it will go away. Then one day you realise…and that’s the day you hoped would never come.

““I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years; you can’t keep on like this.” – I can’t keep on like this. And I have been slowly winding down, not for years, but I have. So this line is pretty straight forward. I can’t keep on like this because eventually I will lose myself.

““I still remember how that music used to make me smile.” – Music used to make me smile, now I use music to relate to my own feelings. Like how im using it now…lol…

““Do you believe in Rock ‘n’ Roll, can music save you’re mortal soul?” – Music helps me through the day. If im not feeling great I’ll listen to music until I find the one song to depict my mood and emotions…then I feel a bit better.

““The world tilts back and poison pours and pours.” – I’m not entirely sure how to explain this line. But it always seem as though every time something good happens, something bad happens. Or whenever the world, and the leaders, attempt to do something good something terrible happens as well, hence the poison.

““The kids of tomorrow don’t need today when they live in the sins of yesterday.” – This just hits home because, to me, it means that the next generation doesn’t need more of the crap that happens today when its already got the stuff that happened yesterday. Like the wars, the next generation still has effects of the first 2, so it does not need today’s wars.

““I was born too late into a world that doesn’t care.” – The world really doesn’t seem to care. People don’t seem to care about each other, let alone THEMSELVES. The years, decades, before this just looked so much simpler…to a certain extent.

““Yea, you were right about me.” – Well…this is pretty much self-explanatory. But generally, my FRIENDS are right about me. If you don’t know me, then you weren’t right. This is about rumour’s that fly…and the way people always seem to make stuff up about other people (not just about me…but the way people are in general). Its ridiculous how people are these days, and only your FRIENDS know you and know how you’re feeling.

““Give me the truth, even if it hurts me.” – Yes, the truth hurts. Get over it. Quite frankly, if you want to tell me something tell it to my face. Don’t talk behind my back. =)

““Don’t feed me violence just run with me through rows of speeding cars.” – I don’t need rubbish from people. But from some people I like a little bit of adventure. It makes sense to me…lol

““This signal interrupts, maybe it’s frequencies not strong enough.” – I always think ‘I can’t do that, I won’t do that’ but I always do. Because the thoughts in my head saying ‘no’ are not strong enough.

““So come on courage, teach me to be shy.” – I wish that when I’m drinking a bit I could be slightly more shy. Enough said…lol.

““I’d die for you one time, but never again.” – This is for me. My personality kind of died for a while, and still isn’t back. I changed a lot and lost me, I died inside. So I will die one time, but I don’t plan to do it again. I hope you understand that.

““It’s not hard to grow when you know that you just don’t know.” – There are somethings in life I know I will never understand or know about truly. Therefore I just have to carry on, and grow.

““Stones taught me to fly, love taught me to lie, life taught me to die.” – I don’t quite get why this means something to me. But it does. I guess it just means you learn from different things. And life does teach you to die, if you look at it in the right way. You should be happy you have lived and therefore be almost ready for it to end. Love taught me to lie, I have never been in love as such…but I have lied about relationships and it teaches you that I suppose.

““I know you think it’s more than bad luck.” – In my mind there is no such thing as luck. You don’t get lucky, you just work towards something. Therefore you can’t get bad luck. Some things just SUCK. So, it’s MORE than bad luck.

““Has no one told you she’s not breathing?” – Sometimes I feel as though no one sees me. Like I’m invisible almost. Even though I know people do notice. But sometimes you don’t want them to…

““If I smile and don’t believe, soon I know I’ll wake from this dream.” – If I smile and ignore, and stop believing, all the nasty comments in my head I think maybe ill wake up and they will go away.

““Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken.” – I’m not broken into pieces, no matter how some days I feel like I am, I’m just unhappy a lot. That doesn’t mean there’s anything WRONG with me. I’m not unhappy all the time either.

““Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide.” – For the days when I am just acting, and pretending, a lie living for me so I can hide inside.

““All that’s left has gone away.” – Some days I just feel like there is nothing left. And I can’t be bothered to live. It’s not a suicidal thing….it’s just I can’t be bothered with it all. I just want to sit there and feel NOTHING.

““Hard to be sure.” – Its hard to be sure on anything anymore. Will I be here tomorrow? Will I still have friends tomorrow? Next week, will the world change again? How did we get here? There are always going to be questions and I will always ask them. But no one will EVER have a sure and true answer for half those questions.

““Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you.” – If you don’t like someone, tell them. Simple as that.

““Give me back my point of view.” – There are days when I feel like the world is just listening to select few and there are a lot of people out there who need to stand up for themselves and what THEY believe rather than following others.

““I don’t want to follow the leader.” – I want to follow ME. I don’t see why someone else is more important than you. They may be older, a teacher, a parent, a guardian, you’re boss. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself.

““Whats the use? What’s the point? You got the wrong girl.” – There is no point pretending to be someone you’re not because that group of people is ‘cooler’ than the others. Who cares? THEY ARE NOT COOL. They are lame and have sticks up there arses. They are not real friends. I have met people like this…is better to hang out with the real friends…trust me, THEY are the cooler crowd. The others suck.

““They encourage all complete cooperation, send you roses when they think you need to smile.” – They always ask you to follow, and if you don’t act, dress, speak and look a certain way you are not right. Yet when you are the ones who don’t ‘cooperate’ they suck up to you…but only when they need something.

““Give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. I gave them all that they could drink and it will never be enough.” – You can always give give give,but somehow no matter that you do it will never be enough for certain people. Some people are never satisfied.

““Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before, like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for.” – I’ve found through my short life that when you have an opinion certain people will tell you its stupid. No opinion is stupid. Everyone is entitled to there own. And it pisses me off when people tell you your opinion is wrong.

““Risk something, say something that you know they might attack you for.” – Not exactly say something someone will attack you for. But the message is don’t just follow all you’re told. People may not like you when you voice your mind but you have every right to. Take the friggin’ risk.

““There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads, inside your market, your shops, your clothes” – I am scared constantly. It’s why I don’t watch the news. I am much better off not knowing all the bad things in the world. I would rather look at the beautiful things. Sounds bad because that means I won’t know everything going on in the world. But sometimes you’re better off NOT knowing.

“When the rich wage war it's the poor who die” – It’s sad. But when a country goes to war, its always the people of the country who die, not the people who caused the war. Not that anyone really causes the war. But political nationwide fights can end in death…just look now.

“In any other world.” – Maybe it would be different. Maybe it won’t be. But we “can’t be sure”.

“You’re head is humming and it won’t go.” – All these thoughts stay in my mind and they won’t go.

“Sometimes words have two meanings.” – Everything has 2 sides. So sometimes when in a fight you have to look at both sides of the fight before making the decision. Be logical, take a chance…and don’t jump to conclusions. Like I did.

“I had to give up my defenses.” – Sometimes you have to admit you’re wrong. And that’s one of the hardest things in the world to do. And sometimes the only way to bring yourself back is to break down the tiny pieces that are eating you up, break down those defenses…then build new ones. I’m trying that.

“It was a lie when they smiled and said you won’t feel a thing.” – I, of all people, should know that things hurt. I’ve realized everyone reacts to things differently so no one can really tell you how you are going to feel when you receive, see, hear or give something. We are all different. And there will never be a moment where you won’t feel ANYTHING.

“I can’t control myself I don’t know how.” – Its even harder to change when you just don’t know how. And you have to cut something out because you cant control the amount ain’t right.

“Slip inside the eye of your mind. Don’t you know you might find a better place to play.” – Sometimes you have to look a little deeper than the surface and you will see something so much better than the first glance. Instead of looking, you have to SEE…and what you get might be better than before. Same with yourself. I’ve found everyday I have to look deeper inside me to find ME.

“One night to you, lasted 6 weeks to me.” – Girls linger on things. Get over it. I hate it. But when I make a mistake I linger over things and it won’t go away.

“You chose those words effectively.” – People tend to do that. To say things they don’t mean. Get used to it. I do it. YOU do it. EVERYONE does it, so get over it.

“Happy now? Now that you’ve had me and I’m on my own, all alone.” – Yes, I’m not alone. But the principle of this is still there. To any guy who’s used me…just…lol at you. Lol.

“You’ll never change what’s been and gone.” – I tend to dwell on the past, instead of the concentrating on the future and now. It drags me down. Don’t let it drag you too.

“Don’t look back in anger.” – Just don’t…it will only make you self hate. It will make you more angry about the present. I’m far more a angry person now because of what I know about the past than I was before.

“I don’t want love to destroy me.” – Love can break you apart, or it can put you together. I don’t want it to destroy me like it has some people around me.

“I peek out from behind these walls and I think nobody knows.” – I always think nobody knows how I feel, that nobody understands. I glance out trying to hide.

“Lets play pretend and act like it comes naturally.” – Sometimes I wish it were that easy with family and life.

“Do you notice I’m gone?” – Sometimes I feel like nobody notices a thing. And would they even notice if I weren’t here. I know they would…but sometimes I feel like that.

“I wish I was special, but I’m a creep.” – Self explanatory. Just sometimes how people feel. Cant help that. You look around you in the magazines and you see these people with the ‘perfect’ bodies and faces and lives and you think why can’t I be like that? I started seeing myself as fat and ugly…and it’s hard to get those thoughts away.

“I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.” – I strive for perfection. I will never get it. We all have flaws. Its just hard to accept. I want control over me and my life.

“Hey, I want to crawl out of my skin.” – Sometimes I just wish I would wake up and look different. Sometimes I’mso embarrassed I wish I was someone else. Sometimes I just hate being me.

“Hey, I can’t make it go away. Over and over in my brain again.” – Thoughts tend to circulate in my mind and I linger on them for too long….eventually I believe them and they don’t go away.

“Oh no, don’t go changing. That’s what you told me from the start.” – Don’t change for anyone. I didn’t. But then I changed after.

“Like you’re so perfect.” – You pissed me off, but you are NOT perfect, my priorities are not wrong and you don’t know me. Stop acting like you do.

“The girl that you want was tearing us apart because she’s everything I’m not.” – That line is so true its beyond belief. You thought I was different, you wanted something different…you wanted a different kind of girl. So you lost this girl.

“I can’t escape myself. So many times I’ve tried.” – I can’t everyday. Some days things catch up with you. That’s life I guess. It sucks but sometime they do. And escape does not help.

“It’s still a little hard to see what’s going on.” – I still don’t know quite what’s happening, but I know it’s a bit better than before…but I also know some parts are worse. So I just don’t know.

“Get up. Come on. Why are you scared?” – I need to get over my fear…and carry on.

“I’ve got a bad feeling its going to be a long ay to happy.” – It takes a while...and I’m still trying.

“Crashing down was my biggest mistake.” – If I’d never fallen, I wouldn’t be writing this.

“Now wait a minute, this is my life.” – That’s all I can say.

That pretty much sums up me right now, and for the last 1 and a half. Also, PINK FLOYD the Wall is a good album to sum life up for me. But almost ever line in that album would be on here and it would take too long. I hope this shows you a bit more about me.

Chelsea. Kat. Tom. Georgi. Jenny. Khaled. Aiden. Murphy. Danial. Tasha. Rachel. Val. Pri. Lou. Caroline. Stefan. Tori. YOU GUYS ROCK. And I love you all. A LOT.

The artists in this are…
Amy Studt. Ashlee Simpson. Avril Lavigne. Billy Talent. Brand New. Coldplay. Damien Rice. Don McLean. Evanescence. Finch. Good Charlotte. Imogen Heep. Jet. Led Zeppelin. Mika. My Chemical Romance. Oasis. Pink. Radiohead. Sandi Thom. Sugarcult. The Veronicas. Three Days Grace.

With my hands held high

2007-07-13T13:46:00.000+07:00

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader[?] so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader[?] just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

[End]

?

Blame?

2007-07-12T20:13:00.000+07:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you.

Whats the matter?

2007-07-11T14:07:00.000+07:00

I almost fainted again.

Again. Its not my fault...but it is. I can't help it....but i can.

I need to make some changes in my life. Some serious changes. But i said that before...and somehow i always get dragged back in.

At least i've stopped one thing. Just a few more kinks to straighten out right?

They ain't just kinks.

Almost time.

2007-07-09T12:19:00.000+07:00

Well, that was interesting.

checklist
pole danced -done
made out with a loser -done
dity danced with the guy your mate likes -done
thrown water at said friend -done
drank too much -done countless times
like a guy but dont know whats going on -done. doing.
hated your parents -done. doing.
knew it was all soon coming to an end- done. doing.
hated yourself -done. doing.
missed home -done. doing.
missed your friends -done. doing.
missed yourself - doing.

I'm such a fuck up. seriously. Everywhere i go i mess things up somehow.

and i dont deserve the friends i have. some of them are there for me and then i fuck it up and they forgive me. the others are hardly ever there.

i deserve neither.

I'm angry.
I'm depressed.
I'm in denial.
I'm sorry.
I'm loved.
I'm hated.
I'm emotional.
I'm over-reacting.
I'm an attention seeker.
I'm NOT.
I'm alone.
I'm misunderstodd.
I'm selfish.
I'm ugly.
I'm fat.
I'm a failure.
I'm stupid.
I'm lost.
I'm repulsive.
I'm NOT.
I'm not me.
I'm me.
I'm unhappy.
I'm happy.
I'm wrong.
I'm right.
I'm alone.
I'm crowded.
I'm lost.
I'm found.
I'm sorry for all the people ive driven away.
I'm not sorry cos you should have stayed.
I'm pissed off.
I'm full of hate.

But there are days when i love life. Days when i hate it. Everyday is different. But at the end of the day...no matter what people say, no matter whether they say im an attention seeker, i know i lost me. Im a wreck. and no matter how i try, i cant seem to find that place. That place to make me me. Its hard. But im trying. Some days i will succeed, some i wont. but every little bit helps right? Yes, im depressed. But im sometimes happy too. Sometimes im faking it, sometimes im not. But when it comes down to it..life is hard. And everybody has problems. So dont-say-mine-aren't-important.

Chelsea. Tom. Kat. Amie. I love you all so much. Thank you.

Switchfoot- Twenty-Four

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Coldplay- The Scientist
Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are.

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start.

Runnin' in circles
Comin' up tails,
Heads are a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart.

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

Tell me you love me
Come back and hold me
Oh, when I rush to the start

Runnin' in circles
Chasin' tails
Comin' back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm goin' back to the start.

It's almost time to say goodbye, goodnight, and i love you.

Redang

2007-07-01T15:03:00.000+07:00

Well, today i'm off to redang for discovery week. yay! just got a 12 hour long BUS RIDE to look forward to....OH THE JOY.

....i dont want people to leave. Tash's party was last night and Chelsea had to say goodbye to Tami and i gave her a huge hug and it made me think soon i will have to say goodbye to HER...and i almost cried then. I'm going to be such a mess. Why do people always have to leave?

Graduation

2007-06-30T00:00:00.000+07:00

wow. I've graduated and WOOOO!!!! its a nice feeling knowing i dont EVER have to go back to school again and that its all a choice (and i am choosing to go back...lol) but at the same time its kind of like ohh emm geee IVE FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL OHHH EMMM GEEE..

and then i think ARGH RESULTS ARGH WTFWTHOMGBRBGTGILYIHYIMYBBQ

yea...just like that.

oh well..i shall write more tmr....

2007-06-23T13:22:00.000+07:00

In The Flesh
...We came in?
So ya Thought ya Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion and
That space cadet glow
Tell me is something eluding you sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes?
You'll just have to claw your way through the Disguise
LIGHTS!
ROLL THE SOUND EFFECTS!
ACTION!!!

The Thin Ice
Momma loves her baby
And Daddy loves you too
And the sea may look warm to you Babe
And the sky may look blue
Ooooh Babe Ooooh Baby Blue Ooooh Babe
If you should go skating
On the thin ice of modern life
Dragging behind you the silent reproach
Of a million tear stained eyes
Don't be surprised, when a crack in the ice
Appears under your feet
You slip out of your depth and out of your mind
With your fear flowing out behind you
As you claw the thin ice

Another Brick In the Wall 1
Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snap shot in the family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?
Daddy what d'ya leave behind for me?
All in all it was just a brick in the wall
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall

The Happiest Days Of Our Lives
When we grew up and went to school
There were certain teachers who would
Hurt the children any way they could
By pouring their derision
Upon anything we did
And exposing every weakness
However carefully hidden by the kids
But in the town it was well known
When they got home at night, their fat and
Psychopathic wives would thrash them
Within inches of their lives

Another Brick In The Wall 2
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey teacher leave them kids alone
All in all it's just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brick in the wall
We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey teacher leave us kids alone
All in all you're just another brick in the wall
All in all you're just another brick in the wall

Mother
Mother do you think they'll drop the bombMother do you think they'll like the song
Mother do you think they'll try to break my balls
Ooooh aah, Mother should I build a wall
Mother should I run for president
Mother should I trust the government
Mother will they put me in the firing line
Ooooh aah, is it just a waste of time
Hush now baby, baby don't you cry
Mama's gonna make all of your
Nightmares come true
Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you
Mama's gonna keep you right here
Under her wing
she won't let you fly but she might let you sing
Mama will keep baby cosy and warm
Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe
Of course Mama's gonna help build the wall
Mother do think she's good enough for me
Mother do think she's dangerous to me
Mother will she tear your little boy apart
Oooh aah, mother will she break my heart
Hush now baby, baby don't you cry
Mama's gonna check out all your girl friends for you
Mama won't let anyone dirty get through
Mama's gonna wait up till you get in
Mama will always find out where
You've been
Mamma's gonna keep baby healthy and clean
Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe Ooooh Babe
You'll always be a baby to me
Mother, did it need to be so high.

Goodbye Blue sky
Oooooooo ooo ooo ooooh
Did you see the frightened ones
Did you hear the falling bombs
Did you ever wonder
Why we had to run for shelter
When the promise of a brave new world
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky
Oooooooo ooo ooooo oooh
Did you see the frightened ones
Did you hear the falling bombs
The flames are all long gone
But the pain lingers on
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye blue sky
Goodbye, Goodbye

Empty Spaces
What shall we use to fill the empty
Spaces where we used to talk
How shall I fill the final places
How shall I complete the wall

2007-06-22T23:37:00.000+07:00

i thought it was silent till it went silent.

i can fill the spaces, i can fill the time. But i cant fill the void in my heart.

i feel empty.

He's voluntarily graced to end your life.

2007-06-18T09:50:00.000+07:00

BRAND NEW-Limousine (MS Rebridge)

K, here's your ride.
Get your petals out and lay them in the aisle
Pretend your garden grows and that it's your day to wed.
We found your man he's drinking up, he's all-american.
And he'll drive.
He's voluntarily graced to end your life,
He'll tidy up,
It's sad to hope leave your shell to us,
You explode,
You firefly, a tiny boat with all,
Further on the world tilts back and poison pours.
And so, your satellite.You're a tidal wave, you're a big surprise.
And I, one more night to be your mother.

This signal's interrupts,
Maybe it's frequency's not strong enough.
It remade my hands and smile,
We will miss you but in time you'll get set up,
We will rise!

You're so free,
yeah you were right about me,
Can I get myself back from underneath this guilt that will crush me,
And in the choir i saw a sad messiah,
He was bored and tired of my laments,
'said I died for you one time but never again.

(never again)
Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)One'll love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Two'll love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Three'll love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Four'll love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Five'll will love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply,
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Six'll I love you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)Seven loves you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

(never again)I said loved you so much, but do me a favor baby don't reply.
Because I can dish it out, but I cant take it.

Family? What family?

2007-06-11T16:45:00.000+07:00

Im sick and tired of the fights. I sit there at dinner and all they do is fight, about stupid things, its gotten to the point where i just shout shut up, or i just get up from the table and go somewhere else where i cant hear it. Its like flippin world war three.

she was married before. MARRIED and then he killed himself. you dont just tell someone that after 20years of it happening. you either tell them or you DONT. i mean, seriously, married? at the age of 18 too. then he killed himself. all this happened at home, in MY town. and i never knew. WTF. what sort of family is this seriously. and marriage COUNSELING? you dont even tell us that? we have to find out by coming across it on your google history, wtf! aint family meant to be open and share stuff? isnt that the point? oh, but then im forgetting that the only family i have is these 3 people. the people back home might as well not be related to me, i never SEE them so whats the point? i want to go back home and see them, if i cant go during summer cant we at least go for xmas before they die? NO. they dont WANT to. WHY?! what is the flippin reason for it? dont you wnat to see your parents efore anything happens? cos it happens all the time, and they aint exactly young. it just makes no sense, why wouldnt someone want to see their own family? yes, they get annoying and right now i sure as hell cant stand these 3 people, but one of the reasons i dont like them is cos they keep me from the rest of my family. i want to go home. This place may be "home" now but its never going to be MY home. its just a temporary thing they said, yet when i say can we go home, they just say you are home. IM NOT HOME. home is where you can smell the chips being cooked on the market, see your breath at winter, wear a coat and not boil, walk down the road and see someone you know, town is walking distance and you can buy anything you want. i miss it.

and people always leave. always. and before they go, they replace you with other friends, or they just ditch you completely. it hurts. when you need friends the most they go, yes this happened a while ago but i cnat forget that, ever. so many of my friends are leaving, some of them left ME ages ago, and it feels like just me wanting to be friends. Ive been replaced, and it feels crap.

i cant do this anymore. i just cant be bothered. im hungry, but food makes me feel ill. nothing means anything anymore, tv? all the shows are stupid and full of rubbish. books? ive read the same things over and over. and the internet? hardly ever works. and the worst bit is for me, i cant even find the right song to express me right now. Usually, to understand something i find the song and i look at the lyrics and it goes. but, i cant find the song.

Layout

2007-06-10T21:01:00.000+07:00

Well, I found one. I like =)

Of course I like it, otherwise I wouldnt have picked it...duh

My dad got home today from his trip to england, brought back chocolate and CD's. I got Punk Goes Acoustic Volume 2!! yay. And sad sad meaningful movies like Schindlers List and the Diary Of Anne Frank. Yes, i like oldish war movies..its interesting..but also the older movies are so much better than the new ones. New ones are either remakes or sequels, which is honestly very sad.

I miss my mates too. Chelsea. Georgi. Aiden. John. Jen. Lou. Khaled. Antoine. Tasha. Amy. Adam. Ray. Pri. I miss them all!! It sucks and half of them are leaving. =( Its going to be so hard to say goodbye to everyone...especially some of them. I hate it when people leave...and i HATE leaving people. Its the hardest thing to do in the world. And this week has been so hard...what with family, home and world war three continuing at home again. I cant take it anymore. Its too hard.

No.3

2007-06-09T20:29:00.000+07:00

Im useless when it comes to deciding names for my blogs....i may be into the arts but i cant always come up with something good.

So, basically, the other day i had to set up a new blog as my old one...well im not entirely sure what happened but i cant sign in and post, but i can still view it....very annoying i tell you lol.

Ok, this blog is generally a place for me to write my thoughts and feelings down in. Im not good with diaries....danial seems to think that a diary would be better as its more personal...but well whatever. Its nice to be able to write stuff down in my own words and when soomeone asks whats wrong i can just say go HERE. yes. Right now im trying to find a nice layout for my blog like my old one..but better. Should be interesting...

In the last week or 2 ive found some very disturbing things out about my family. shant mention here..but...omg...
just..well...freaked me out. its all in the past but still..

and i also found out today that my grandad has some kind of cancer...its some special type and it wont spread which is lucky...but still....cancer.....ah....

ok...um im going to find a layout! Ive got a mission!

x

and then there was one

2007-06-08T17:25:00.000+07:00

wow. so much for sending amy an email today....i just spent the day being bloody bored and getting pissed off with my internet. fun. lol

well..im now getting ready to go out so will post tmr....

what long posts these have been......

x