The Truth

I've realised its time to tell the truth about everything. And my own words don't express it...so im going to use the help of many artists....i cant help feeling like this. And know, that no matter what I do love you all. A lot.

I'm going to write a line from a song that at some point has meant, or still means, something to me. Then i will explain why. Simple as that.

"Take me back to the start." - because sometimes i wish i could just go back to the beginning and change it all. the start was when Raf died, i think. I'm not honestly sure. But i guess its just a mixture of everything. and thats the only moment i can pin-point as hitting me so hard i fell over and didnt stop falling completely.

"Nobody said it was easy. But nobody said it would be this hard." - Its true. Nobody said it was going to be easy living, but nobody ever said it would be hard. I guess life is always going to be a mixture of easy and hard and theres nothing you can do to stop that. But sometimes i just wish it could be easier. Because it always seems to be hard.

"I'll keep on rolling down this road."- I never realised that I wasn't exactly happy. Hence why I kept 'rolling down the road'. enough said.

"I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow." – One day I would be happy. The next I wouldn’t. And that still happens. Except it can now sometimes be like...ill wake up feeling rubbish…and 2 hours later im laughing. Maybe its just mood swings, but this happens even when im not PMS…

“That’s not how I used to be.” – In the last few years life has changed as we have grown older, and its nothing like it used to be.

“Everythings changing when I turn around, all out of my control. I’m a mobile.” – Everything does seem to change, its like one minute it’s a certain way, the next its completely different, and I hate not being able to control that.

“Its always been up to you. Its turning around its up to me. I’m gonna do what I have to do…I just don’t” - I used to think it was up to everyone else to make me happy and change. But now I know its up to me…and I know what I have to do. I just don’t…because I can’t.

“Maybe I should be the one behind the wheel.”- I often think I need to stop doing what im doing, that I should be the one in control. But it’s always, in my head, the ‘maybe’ factor. Like I know I should be in control, but I just can’t quite reach the wheel.

“I’m not ready. Maybe tomorrow.” – Simple as that. I’m not ready to change, but I am, so maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Or it can be…I can’t be bothered to day…maybe tomorrow. Or sometimes its just as simple as I can’t be bothered to do ANYTHING.

“I want to believe you when you tell me that it’ll be ok.” – People always say it will be ok. But I just can’t believe it properly.

“Stuck inside a broken life I can’t wish away.” – I used to think if I just forgot about how rubbish I felt It would just go away. At night I would wish that tomorrow I would wake up not thinking I was disgusting and horrible and be able to look in the mirror and see me, rather than a version of me I seemed to have invented. But that doesn’t work.

“Somebody listen please.” – I often feel like no one understands or listens. Even though I KNOW that’s not true, I still sometimes feel like that and I cannot explain why.

“Always second best.” – Sometimes it would just be nice to be the best at something.

“There’s so much more to me you haven’t seen.” – A lot of people KNOW me, but not all of them know ALL of me. I don’t know all of me. And there’s a lot of me still hiding.

“It’s not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball.” – Once you start feeling a certain way it’s not hard to come crashing down. And drinking etc does not help, your floating like a cannonball almost, in a vulnerable situation that you have to fall down from, and you fall fast because so much is weighing you down.

““Bad news on the doorstep, I couldn’t take one more step.” – You know when you can tell something bad is going to happen, and you wish you could stay out of it…but know you shouldn’t and can’t? Yea…life is like that sometimes. I can tell when a day is going to be rubbish for me and I can’t take another step into that day…but I force myself to.

““Suddenly I know I’m not sleeping. Hello, I’m still here, all that’s left of yesterday.” – The old me is still here, a bit of every old me is still here too. I’m not sleeping, and I know I’m still there I just sometimes need a boost, and a reason to ‘unleash’ (lol) me…whatever. You know what I mean…I hope…

““It’s sad to hope.” – Hoping won’t do anything. I tried praying and there’s now a definite reason I don’t believe because it didn’t work. Sounds harsh but that’s me. Hoping won’t do anything, you have to DO something.

““Here’s the day you hoped would never come.” – You see the signs…yet you ignore it and hope it will go away. Then one day you realise…and that’s the day you hoped would never come.

““I’ve watched you slowly winding down for years; you can’t keep on like this.” – I can’t keep on like this. And I have been slowly winding down, not for years, but I have. So this line is pretty straight forward. I can’t keep on like this because eventually I will lose myself.

““I still remember how that music used to make me smile.” – Music used to make me smile, now I use music to relate to my own feelings. Like how im using it now…lol…

““Do you believe in Rock ‘n’ Roll, can music save you’re mortal soul?” – Music helps me through the day. If im not feeling great I’ll listen to music until I find the one song to depict my mood and emotions…then I feel a bit better.

““The world tilts back and poison pours and pours.” – I’m not entirely sure how to explain this line. But it always seem as though every time something good happens, something bad happens. Or whenever the world, and the leaders, attempt to do something good something terrible happens as well, hence the poison.

““The kids of tomorrow don’t need today when they live in the sins of yesterday.” – This just hits home because, to me, it means that the next generation doesn’t need more of the crap that happens today when its already got the stuff that happened yesterday. Like the wars, the next generation still has effects of the first 2, so it does not need today’s wars.

““I was born too late into a world that doesn’t care.” – The world really doesn’t seem to care. People don’t seem to care about each other, let alone THEMSELVES. The years, decades, before this just looked so much simpler…to a certain extent.

““Yea, you were right about me.” – Well…this is pretty much self-explanatory. But generally, my FRIENDS are right about me. If you don’t know me, then you weren’t right. This is about rumour’s that fly…and the way people always seem to make stuff up about other people (not just about me…but the way people are in general). Its ridiculous how people are these days, and only your FRIENDS know you and know how you’re feeling.

““Give me the truth, even if it hurts me.” – Yes, the truth hurts. Get over it. Quite frankly, if you want to tell me something tell it to my face. Don’t talk behind my back. =)

““Don’t feed me violence just run with me through rows of speeding cars.” – I don’t need rubbish from people. But from some people I like a little bit of adventure. It makes sense to me…lol

““This signal interrupts, maybe it’s frequencies not strong enough.” – I always think ‘I can’t do that, I won’t do that’ but I always do. Because the thoughts in my head saying ‘no’ are not strong enough.

““So come on courage, teach me to be shy.” – I wish that when I’m drinking a bit I could be slightly more shy. Enough said…lol.

““I’d die for you one time, but never again.” – This is for me. My personality kind of died for a while, and still isn’t back. I changed a lot and lost me, I died inside. So I will die one time, but I don’t plan to do it again. I hope you understand that.

““It’s not hard to grow when you know that you just don’t know.” – There are somethings in life I know I will never understand or know about truly. Therefore I just have to carry on, and grow.

““Stones taught me to fly, love taught me to lie, life taught me to die.” – I don’t quite get why this means something to me. But it does. I guess it just means you learn from different things. And life does teach you to die, if you look at it in the right way. You should be happy you have lived and therefore be almost ready for it to end. Love taught me to lie, I have never been in love as such…but I have lied about relationships and it teaches you that I suppose.

““I know you think it’s more than bad luck.” – In my mind there is no such thing as luck. You don’t get lucky, you just work towards something. Therefore you can’t get bad luck. Some things just SUCK. So, it’s MORE than bad luck.

““Has no one told you she’s not breathing?” – Sometimes I feel as though no one sees me. Like I’m invisible almost. Even though I know people do notice. But sometimes you don’t want them to…

““If I smile and don’t believe, soon I know I’ll wake from this dream.” – If I smile and ignore, and stop believing, all the nasty comments in my head I think maybe ill wake up and they will go away.

““Don’t try to fix me, I’m not broken.” – I’m not broken into pieces, no matter how some days I feel like I am, I’m just unhappy a lot. That doesn’t mean there’s anything WRONG with me. I’m not unhappy all the time either.

““Hello, I’m the lie living for you so you can hide.” – For the days when I am just acting, and pretending, a lie living for me so I can hide inside.

““All that’s left has gone away.” – Some days I just feel like there is nothing left. And I can’t be bothered to live. It’s not a suicidal thing….it’s just I can’t be bothered with it all. I just want to sit there and feel NOTHING.

““Hard to be sure.” – Its hard to be sure on anything anymore. Will I be here tomorrow? Will I still have friends tomorrow? Next week, will the world change again? How did we get here? There are always going to be questions and I will always ask them. But no one will EVER have a sure and true answer for half those questions.

““Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you.” – If you don’t like someone, tell them. Simple as that.

““Give me back my point of view.” – There are days when I feel like the world is just listening to select few and there are a lot of people out there who need to stand up for themselves and what THEY believe rather than following others.

““I don’t want to follow the leader.” – I want to follow ME. I don’t see why someone else is more important than you. They may be older, a teacher, a parent, a guardian, you’re boss. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stand up for yourself.

““Whats the use? What’s the point? You got the wrong girl.” – There is no point pretending to be someone you’re not because that group of people is ‘cooler’ than the others. Who cares? THEY ARE NOT COOL. They are lame and have sticks up there arses. They are not real friends. I have met people like this…is better to hang out with the real friends…trust me, THEY are the cooler crowd. The others suck.

““They encourage all complete cooperation, send you roses when they think you need to smile.” – They always ask you to follow, and if you don’t act, dress, speak and look a certain way you are not right. Yet when you are the ones who don’t ‘cooperate’ they suck up to you…but only when they need something.

““Give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff. I gave them all that they could drink and it will never be enough.” – You can always give give give,but somehow no matter that you do it will never be enough for certain people. Some people are never satisfied.

““Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before, like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for.” – I’ve found through my short life that when you have an opinion certain people will tell you its stupid. No opinion is stupid. Everyone is entitled to there own. And it pisses me off when people tell you your opinion is wrong.

““Risk something, say something that you know they might attack you for.” – Not exactly say something someone will attack you for. But the message is don’t just follow all you’re told. People may not like you when you voice your mind but you have every right to. Take the friggin’ risk.

““There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads, inside your market, your shops, your clothes” – I am scared constantly. It’s why I don’t watch the news. I am much better off not knowing all the bad things in the world. I would rather look at the beautiful things. Sounds bad because that means I won’t know everything going on in the world. But sometimes you’re better off NOT knowing.

“When the rich wage war it's the poor who die” – It’s sad. But when a country goes to war, its always the people of the country who die, not the people who caused the war. Not that anyone really causes the war. But political nationwide fights can end in death…just look now.

“In any other world.” – Maybe it would be different. Maybe it won’t be. But we “can’t be sure”.

“You’re head is humming and it won’t go.” – All these thoughts stay in my mind and they won’t go.

“Sometimes words have two meanings.” – Everything has 2 sides. So sometimes when in a fight you have to look at both sides of the fight before making the decision. Be logical, take a chance…and don’t jump to conclusions. Like I did.

“I had to give up my defenses.” – Sometimes you have to admit you’re wrong. And that’s one of the hardest things in the world to do. And sometimes the only way to bring yourself back is to break down the tiny pieces that are eating you up, break down those defenses…then build new ones. I’m trying that.

“It was a lie when they smiled and said you won’t feel a thing.” – I, of all people, should know that things hurt. I’ve realized everyone reacts to things differently so no one can really tell you how you are going to feel when you receive, see, hear or give something. We are all different. And there will never be a moment where you won’t feel ANYTHING.

“I can’t control myself I don’t know how.” – Its even harder to change when you just don’t know how. And you have to cut something out because you cant control the amount ain’t right.

“Slip inside the eye of your mind. Don’t you know you might find a better place to play.” – Sometimes you have to look a little deeper than the surface and you will see something so much better than the first glance. Instead of looking, you have to SEE…and what you get might be better than before. Same with yourself. I’ve found everyday I have to look deeper inside me to find ME.

“One night to you, lasted 6 weeks to me.” – Girls linger on things. Get over it. I hate it. But when I make a mistake I linger over things and it won’t go away.

“You chose those words effectively.” – People tend to do that. To say things they don’t mean. Get used to it. I do it. YOU do it. EVERYONE does it, so get over it.

“Happy now? Now that you’ve had me and I’m on my own, all alone.” – Yes, I’m not alone. But the principle of this is still there. To any guy who’s used me…just…lol at you. Lol.

“You’ll never change what’s been and gone.” – I tend to dwell on the past, instead of the concentrating on the future and now. It drags me down. Don’t let it drag you too.

“Don’t look back in anger.” – Just don’t…it will only make you self hate. It will make you more angry about the present. I’m far more a angry person now because of what I know about the past than I was before.

“I don’t want love to destroy me.” – Love can break you apart, or it can put you together. I don’t want it to destroy me like it has some people around me.

“I peek out from behind these walls and I think nobody knows.” – I always think nobody knows how I feel, that nobody understands. I glance out trying to hide.

“Lets play pretend and act like it comes naturally.” – Sometimes I wish it were that easy with family and life.

“Do you notice I’m gone?” – Sometimes I feel like nobody notices a thing. And would they even notice if I weren’t here. I know they would…but sometimes I feel like that.

“I wish I was special, but I’m a creep.” – Self explanatory. Just sometimes how people feel. Cant help that. You look around you in the magazines and you see these people with the ‘perfect’ bodies and faces and lives and you think why can’t I be like that? I started seeing myself as fat and ugly…and it’s hard to get those thoughts away.

“I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.” – I strive for perfection. I will never get it. We all have flaws. Its just hard to accept. I want control over me and my life.

“Hey, I want to crawl out of my skin.” – Sometimes I just wish I would wake up and look different. Sometimes I’mso embarrassed I wish I was someone else. Sometimes I just hate being me.

“Hey, I can’t make it go away. Over and over in my brain again.” – Thoughts tend to circulate in my mind and I linger on them for too long….eventually I believe them and they don’t go away.

“Oh no, don’t go changing. That’s what you told me from the start.” – Don’t change for anyone. I didn’t. But then I changed after.

“Like you’re so perfect.” – You pissed me off, but you are NOT perfect, my priorities are not wrong and you don’t know me. Stop acting like you do.

“The girl that you want was tearing us apart because she’s everything I’m not.” – That line is so true its beyond belief. You thought I was different, you wanted something different…you wanted a different kind of girl. So you lost this girl.

“I can’t escape myself. So many times I’ve tried.” – I can’t everyday. Some days things catch up with you. That’s life I guess. It sucks but sometime they do. And escape does not help.

“It’s still a little hard to see what’s going on.” – I still don’t know quite what’s happening, but I know it’s a bit better than before…but I also know some parts are worse. So I just don’t know.

“Get up. Come on. Why are you scared?” – I need to get over my fear…and carry on.

“I’ve got a bad feeling its going to be a long ay to happy.” – It takes a while...and I’m still trying.

“Crashing down was my biggest mistake.” – If I’d never fallen, I wouldn’t be writing this.

“Now wait a minute, this is my life.” – That’s all I can say.


That pretty much sums up me right now, and for the last 1 and a half. Also, PINK FLOYD the Wall is a good album to sum life up for me. But almost ever line in that album would be on here and it would take too long. I hope this shows you a bit more about me.

Chelsea. Kat. Tom. Georgi. Jenny. Khaled. Aiden. Murphy. Danial. Tasha. Rachel. Val. Pri. Lou. Caroline. Stefan. Tori. YOU GUYS ROCK. And I love you all. A LOT.

The artists in this are…
Amy Studt. Ashlee Simpson. Avril Lavigne. Billy Talent. Brand New. Coldplay. Damien Rice. Don McLean. Evanescence. Finch. Good Charlotte. Imogen Heep. Jet. Led Zeppelin. Mika. My Chemical Romance. Oasis. Pink. Radiohead. Sandi Thom. Sugarcult. The Veronicas. Three Days Grace.